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Showing posts from February, 2011

Something interesting about light sensativity

This Irlen's Syndrome is quite interesting.  It explains how, in my case, I am always extremely photosensative, have issues with glare, visual distortions when reading and such.  And why I like to read in dim lighting and in fact read better and concentrate better in dim, indirect, lighting.  In fact I answered yes to almost every question on that check list including my issues with depth perception and driving.  But I never had comprehension problems, reading problems or academic problems.  I simply read very fast and don't mind the halo'd aspect to it as long as the lighting is dim.  Plus, I used to have an excellent memory for anything I read, but as the migraines became chronic that went out the window and I had to find careful ways to focus while reading in order to retain everything.  When I was in university I used to highlight as I read so that my eyes would not skip lines or skim over things.  I like how it also explains my extremely messy writing, inconsistent sp…

Sometimes I remember how vital it is to have an outlet

In philosophy there is this concept of the 'look of the Other'.  The idea is that when you are aware you are being observed you change how you behave.  In some cases preventing someone from doing a crime in other cases simply curbing your freedom to express yourself, so you are not seen as silly or childish.  For those of us who are chronically ill there is always this feeling if we mention anything, serious or self-mocking, about our illness people don't want to hear it.  They are tired of hearing it, they think we are chronic complainers, they think since we are not screaming we are not really suffering, they think we are lazy or they simply do not care one way or the other.  I loath that disinterest.  It makes it seem like this constant war, the handful of medications, the dozens of symptoms and/or side-effects, that all consuming fatigue and all that pain is worth nothing, not even mentioning. I am no pity whore, if I was, there would be no damn reason to get out of be…

Things never to do with a migraine...

1) Cough
2) Sneeze
3) Look at the sun
4) Spin in circles
5) Play word games
6) Enter a tongue twister contest
7) Touch your toes
8) Give someone directions
9) Go to a job interview
10) Go to a rave and/or rock concert

Deafeated the migraine but not the brainless part

I had a wicked migraine kick in at around 12am today, at work, which just a joy.  It started with some vertigo that made me feel like I was about to topple out of my chair then about half hour later full blown migraine beast.  So I treated with my triptan and a tramacet, which effectively knocked down the pain to minimal.  Unfortunately it made me feel even more sluggish and did not kick that brain in gear at all.  So I spent the whole day confused at why the wrong key did not open door or start car, forgetting the day and month for every application, forgetting what I was saying while I was saying it combined with a bonus of word forgetting or randomly using words that sound similar to what I meant but really, really do not mean the same thing.  Plus the vertigo really did not go away.  If I looked at the ground part of it appeared to be going one way and the other part the opposite, which makes a person feel dizzy since the floor does not generally move.  Consequently it was hard to…

Relationships with others

This month in WEGO health blogging is our health and relationships, specifically:

Your condition vs. yourself

Your condition vs. your love life
Your condition vs. your family
Your condition vs. the day-to-day
Your condition vs. technology
Your condition vs. misconception

Your condition vs. yourself - I do tend to focus on this one quite a bit.  That inner battle we face constantly.  That love hate relationship with our bodies.  When I am optimistic there is nothing I won't do to improve the quality of life I can have, but when that does not give me much of a life my pessimisim eradicates all my efforts pretty darn fast.  Life itself becomes a bit of a challenge and I think as a result we are more introspective, but that can also mean far more self-critical.  In otherwords, it is a very delicate balance.

Your condition vs. your love life - I am fortunate here since I have been in a long term relationship going on fourteen years now.  One that I was already in when I was diagnos…

Poor memory a defense mechanism? Maybe

It seems to me that my poor memory in some ways protects me from thinking about all that past pain.  Certainly thinking about future pain immediately puts me in a morose and fatalistic mood.  Just today I found myself thinking 'you do the crime and you do the time. failing to commit suicide would be the so-called crime and the the sentancing is life.'  Now that is negative.  But it is only then I stop and think and ponder and think more about the whole longevity of the situation.  Going day by day, with plenty of distractions means my mood is pretty much normal.  So thinking= bad.

It was one heck of a painful day yesterday and today.  My triptan did work today for about four hours but the migraine came back full strength, so really it just means the triptan helps me with part of the work day and little more than that.  So that kind of sucked.  And I think it is less about learning to cope with the pain and working and more about never letting myself think beyond surving This m…

Everything happens for a reason

There are things people with chronic pain and illness hate to hear.  Like 'no pain no gain' because we know pain comes with no gain.  Or 'what does not kill you makes you stronger' and this is kinda true in the sense we are all stronger in our broken places but we have to be reminded that indeed it does not kill us and it makes us stronger in very unhelpful ways.  There there is 'but you don't look sick' which really is a huge bias people seem to have that suggests when you are chronically ill you should be miserable and behave as people expect the chronically ill.

But the saying I hate by far is 'everything happens for a reason'.  It annoys me to no end because people say this to suggest our personal suffering is for a reason that we might not comprehend.  Sure everything happens for a reason and that reason is entirely random and has no actual meaning.  I was not put on this earth to suffer even if all evidence suggests that.  I really doubt there…

The way it is

I know some people say they would not want to know the day they would die because they would not enjoy the time they had.  I beg to differ.  I wish we did come with an expiry date, just so I could know how much longer I am expected to be like this.   That at least would be a comfort.  This odd thought occurred to me when I thought about the thirty some years I have yet to go to retirement.

A co-worker and myself were complaining about medication and insurance today.  She is on long term leave for psychological problems... which I find typical... crazy gets you on leave easily but simple pain does not get you anywhere. Not that psychological problems are not extremely important to pay attention to and cannot be comorbid in fact, only that I find it disconcerting if you only have a great deal of pain you're 'good to go'.  We were mutually complaining though because the insurance company and payroll simply cannot manage to actually pay us. I'm back from a short term leave…

Practically Comatose

I hate these hormonal migraines so very, very much.  It is like waging war and having to use every single weapon to just barely defend yourself.  The beginning was Saturday and it is still going on strong.  Problem is I'm not.  I am utterly and completely drained of every last bit of energy.  I drag myself out of bed and to work on pure will power... just that mindset that convinces yourself you have to fight for the sake of fighting and then on the other side, because there is no choice in the matter so you might as well grin and bear it.  I think I have been doing a fantastic job getting through the work week so far, but it requires taking my triptan early, which then means the migraine is back full strength mid-day, which then means taking Tramacet to at least dampen the pain slightly to get through the remainder.  Then get home and just crash and burn.  The things is, all that takes a load of determination and energy and today I felt tapped right out.  So completely fatigued I…